Amanda
by Stemwinder
Summary: *COMPLETE* *** AU WARNING *** Second story in the Wild Night WN Series Lee loses his internal struggle concerning his feelings for Amanda.


Amanda  
  
Disclaimers: Ya'll know it, I don't own 'em! If I did, you could be sure I'd be living in a mansion and have a much faster computer by now, but I'm still up to my eyeballs in debt and playing around with my P1 with the Volkswagen bus of modems, so they obviously still belong to WB and STM (Aw, shucks, a girl can dream, right?) The plot found here, however (If there is one, LOL!), is mine and any resemblance to any plot living or dead is strictly coincidental, so just take it as a compliment, I know I would!  
References made to the Aired Episodes "A Lovely Little Affair", "Brunettes Are In", and "Sudden Death".  
I also do not own the song "Amanda," that belongs to the great band Boston and the people who originally wrote it. I'm just borrowing it to make my point.  
  
Claimers: This time, all the quotes at the beginning of the chapters ARE mine! All are from original poems and all can be found in their entirety on FF.Net.  
  
Summary: A little filler for the time between my stories "Wild Night" and "Repercussions". Delves into the emotions Lee was experiencing after Amanda left his apartment and disappeared. Flashbacks offset by ~~~~~  
  
Timeline: Summer of 1985. For the purposes of this series, we are going to assume that the aired episodes of the third season prior to and including "Utopia Now" were set in the spring of '85.  
  
Authors notes: First, I kinda changed tracks here and experimented with a different style of writing. You will find that the prologue is in third person, but the chapters are in first. THIS IS INTENIONAL! Second, I am well aware that it is out of canon, and that gave me reservations about posting it. Keep in mind that this Whole series is TOTALLY AU, because we know that it would never have happened on the show. But. . . what if it did? It popped into my head completely formed, and held my brain captive until it made it's way onto my computer. I couldn't resist the challenge! So, that said . . .   
  
Feedback: Sure, why not. On list or off, all constructive criticism and high praise accepted. Flames, well, I'll break out a bag of marshmallows . . . anybody got a stick?  
  
Thanks go out to my irrepressible betas, this time being, Breezy (For letting me use you as well!), Jessi and Barb, you gals make it all worthwhile!  
  
*********  
  
Prologue  
Friday, June 28, 1985  
7:00 PM  
  
"Seek me now while I may be found  
for someday I'll be gone  
Every time we try to look away  
there's always something more to say"  
(From "Seek Me Now")  
  
Lee ran out of the apartment and down to his Corvette, and headed for Nedlinger's. Once there, he cozied up to the bar, looking around the room full of friendly faces.  
  
"Hiya, stranger," a buxom blond whispered close to his ear.  
  
Lee turned to see who the mystery woman was. He knew she was one of the woman from the steno pool, but for the life of him, he couldn't remember her name. He knew it started with a B, but . . . Beth, Bonnie? No, maybe Brittany . . . Brianne! That was it, Brianne. He smiled at Brianne, and pulled out the chair next to him. "Can't have been that long, Brianne."  
  
"Well, you've been pretty busy lately, Lee. We haven't seen you around here much," Brianne purred.  
  
"Yeah, well, in this business, you know how it is."  
  
"Oh, I know, Darlin', I know."  
  
*****  
  
11:00 PM  
Outside Lee's Apartment  
  
"Here, let me try, honey," Brianne said sweetly as she took the keys from him and opened the door in one fell swoop.  
  
"Thanks, Bri," Lee muttered as they entered the apartment.  
  
"Oh, there's a way you can thank me," Brianne purred as she wrapped herself around Lee.  
  
Lee took her in his arms and started kissing her, backing up at the same time. Her hands had made their way up his shirt when they fell over the couch. 'The couch,' Lee thought as memories of a week ago flooded through his mind. Amanda on the couch. Talking first, and then that first kiss that had led to so much more. He couldn't breath. 'I have to get out of here,' Lee thought as he jumped off the couch and away from Brianne. 'No,' he thought again, 'I have to get her out of here.' He looked over at Brianne, who was stunned at the sudden move.  
  
"Lee, Honey, it's just a couch," Brianne's seductive voice crooned.  
  
'No,' Lee thought. 'I can't do this.' He took a deep breath before speaking. "Brianne, I'm sorry, I just remembered something that I have to do . . . work related."  
  
"Well, if you want I can wait here until you get back."  
  
"Um, I might be a while. If you want, I can drive you home, and call you?"  
  
Brianne's face fell as she realized that nothing was going to happen tonight. "Sure, why not?"  
  
**********  
  
  
Chapter One: Fools  
Lee's Apartment  
Friday, July 5, 1985  
8:00 PM  
  
"So close yet so far  
Couldn't be much more from the heart  
tried to tell you Time and time again  
don't want to face the consequence . . ."  
(From "So Close So Far")  
  
I've been a fool. A complete fool. I should have talked to her. I never should have let her go that morning. As it was, I spent all that day trying to find her, and trying to get my thoughts into perspective. How blind I've been. She was here right in front of me all this time, and it took her shooting someone to save me, and one wonderful night together for me to realize it. My own words from that night kept coming back to haunt me.   
  
~~~~~  
"Because . . . Cause I'd never. . . would never let anyone hurt . . . hurt the woman I love."  
~~~~~  
  
I love Amanda. I have for quite some time now, but until that night, I'd never verbalized it. I'd never given her any clue that I wanted more. Hell, I never had any clue myself! Or at least if I did, I never admitted it.  
  
Then again, there was that dream I've been having. It started shortly before I met Amanda. I'm surrounded by trees, standing alone. Then, she appears out of nowhere. Who she is, I have no idea. All I knew was, when she was there, I would feel a deep peace.  
  
Then I met Amanda. And the dream came more and more regularly. One day, Amanda and I were on an assignment, and were walking through a park. All of a sudden, I was overcome by that feeling I'd felt in the dream. This very surreal peace.  
  
I never told her about the dream. I've told Amanda a lot of things about myself that I've never told anyone, but never about the dream. That day scared me when I stopped and thought about it's meaning. Was Amanda the woman in the dream? But how could that be? I started having it before Amanda. Unless it was my subconscious letting me know that she was the one.  
  
I look at the clock on the wall. 8:30, on a Friday night. Any other Friday night I'd be out trolling the nightclubs, looking for this week's conquest. Not after what happened last week. It wouldn't work anyway. But this apartment just seems to suffocate me now. I look around and I see her. She'd been here so many times lately because of work, and our growing friendship. And then there was that night. The memories flood back once again, and I know that they'll overwhelm me if I don't get out of here now. I grab my keys off the desk and head down to the car, hoping to get away.  
  
I'm not really sure what direction I'm headed, but the open road seems calming somehow. I turn on the radio, and listen to the song coming over the waves.  
  
"So, it may be too soon, I know  
The feeling takes so long to grow  
If I tell you today will you turn me away   
And let me go?   
I don't wanna lose you   
  
I'm gonna take you by surprise and make you realize,  
Amanda  
I'm gonna tell you right away, I can't wait another day,  
Amanda  
I'm gonna say it like a man and make you understand  
Amanda . . ."  
  
Are they reading my mind with a song like this? Who else wants to tell my Amanda that they love her? I flip the switch to turn the radio off, unable to deal with the thoughts that are coming to my head.   
  
Half an hour later, I find myself in front of her house. Her car is still gone, and I know it means she hasn't come back yet. Once again, I wonder where she could have gone. That first week, I checked every hotel in a three state radius. If only I could see her one more time.  
  
What would I do if I could see her again? Walk right up to her and tell her that I love her? And what if she doesn't feel the same? After all, she is the one who walked out. Her last words ring in my ears, fresh as the morning she said them . . .  
  
~~~~~  
"Amanda?" I asked, finally lifting my head, even though I couldn't look her in the eye.  
  
"Yes?" Amanda was staring in her coffee.  
  
"Um, about last night," I broke off, unable to get the words out.  
  
Amanda raised her head. "I understand," she whispered.  
  
"You do?" My mind was racing. 'What did she understand? Does she understand how I feel? Does she not feel the same? Does she know how scared I am?'  
  
"Yes, and I think I'd better be going. Mother and the boys will be worried." She headed to the door and found her purse on the table. Before heading out the door, she turned to me and said, "I'll. . . I'll see you." She closed the door behind her.  
~~~~~  
  
By the time I recovered, she was gone. She must have left the house pretty quickly. When I found no one there, I picked the lock to make sure everything was all right. Aside from a mess of scattered clothes in the boys' room, nothing looked out of the ordinary. And maybe even that wasn't. I'd made it to her house a mere two hours after she'd left the apartment. She'd had to walk to the Agency, go inside, leave a letter of resignation, leave the Agency, drive half an hour to her house, and I assume she had to have packed things for herself and the boys. And her mother as well. Even Dotty was gone.  
  
I'd wanted to do a full scale investigation, but since Amanda had resigned, it was no longer Agency business. All I know is that she has to come back sometime, and I intend to be here when she does.  
  
I get out of the 'Vette and make my way around to the back of the house. Still locked, I bring out the Double Diamond that I keep hidden in my collar stay, and make quick work of the lock. All I know is I want to be near her, and this seems to be as close as I can get.  
  
She's everywhere here. What seemed suffocating back at the apartment seems soothing here at her house. I can see her in the kitchen, a dish towel slung over her shoulder, leaning against the counter and enjoying a glass of champagne. I'd just given her and autographed football, a souvenir of a case we'd solved. I could see her in the family room, sitting on the couch in front of a basket of laundry, searching for a microdot.   
  
I walk up the steps to her bedroom, and the image of her in the bed, her hair rumpled, her face devoid of makeup comes to mind. The look on her face as I ask her if anything happened when she was out with Alan Chamberlain. How she touches her lips momentarily before shaking her head and saying no. And then later, the tension as we shake hands, and realize at the same time that all she has on is a thin nightgown.   
  
It's overpowering, her presence here. It's almost as if she's here with me. I sit down on the bed, only meaning to stay a moment. That smell that is so uniquely Amanda still hangs in the air. I lay down for just a minute, knowing that I have to leave soon.  
  
**********  
  
Chapter Two: Running around  
Saturday, July 6, 1985  
Amanda's bedroom  
8:00 AM  
  
  
"How many times have I tried and failed  
never again can I sleep silent through the night  
leave the pain and anger behind, they say  
do they know how hard I try to do just that?"  
(From "Asylum")  
  
As soon as I wake up, that sense of disorientation takes hold. I look around the room, trying to gain my bearings on whatever happened the night before. I'm still in the same clothes I was wearing yesterday, and in what is obviously a woman's bedroom . . . Amanda's bedroom. I must have fallen asleep. Noticing the clock on the bedside table, I hop off the bed and hurry out of the house, making sure to lock the door and take care in not being seen by any of the neighbors.  
  
Once again on the open road, I turn the radio back on. That song seems to be stalking me, because it's playing again . . .   
  
"Babe, tomorrow's so far away  
There's something I just have to say   
I don't think I can hide what I'm feelin' inside  
Another day, knowin' I love you  
And I, I'm getting too close again  
I don't want to see it end  
If I tell you tonight will you turn out the light   
And walk away knowin' I love you?"  
  
She didn't know. She walked away before I could even tell her that I love her. A  
sense of foreboding comes over me as that thought takes hold.  
  
"You and I  
I know that we can't wait  
And I swear, I swear it's not a lie girl  
Tomorrow may be too late  
You, you and I girl  
We can share a life together  
It's now or never  
And tomorrow may be too late . . ."  
  
I had pulled in the Agency parking lot when I realized that I hadn't bothered to stop at home and change. Oh well. Maybe another hotel sweep will tell me something. She's got to be somewhere, she couldn't have just fallen of the face of the earth. Could she?  
  
I enter the Georgetown Foyer, and give the password to the weekend receptionist, before heading up to the Q Bureau. Two hours later, I was no closer to finding my Amanda.  
  
"I can't believe he left it unlocked - Lee!" Francine's surprised voice broke me out of my reverie. "I thought that you were out for the weekend."  
  
"I just remembered something that I had to do, Francine. What are you doing up here?"  
  
"Billy sent me up to look for your final report on the Kincaid case. We couldn't find it downstairs, so he thought . . . Lee, are you okay? You look like hell warmed over."  
  
"I'm fine," I finally choked out. The office suddenly seemed too small. "I have things to do." I rushed out of the Q Bureau, but not before hearing Francine's mumbling.  
  
"Must have had a hot date last night. Can't believe he's here this early on a Saturday."   
  
I speed away from the Agency as fast as I can, and auto pilot my way, no idea where I'm headed. When I finally pull over, I find myself at Rock Creek park. I had brought Amanda here that night, before bringing her to my apartment.  
  
~~~~~   
"You must think I'm a horrible person. I . . . Lee, I never thought I could do that. I never wanted to . . ."   
  
"I know, and I'm so sorry you had to go through that. And I don't think you're a horrible person, Amanda. I know what it took for you to do what you did tonight. Believe me when I say I know what you're going through. I've been here, Amanda."  
~~~~~  
  
She's everywhere. No matter where I go, I can't seem to escape it.  
  
Then I see the dream again. I'm surrounded by trees, standing alone. Then, she appears out of nowhere. Only this time, I see her face, and it's Amanda. Amanda is the woman in the dream!  
  
I have to find her. That's all there is to it. I walk back to the Corvette, and drive back to my apartment.  
  
'That box is back here somewhere, I know it is,' I think as I root through my closet. Finally, I find it. More memories assail me as I open it, but these memories are easier to push away. I've been doing it for almost thirty years now. At the bottom of the box filled with pictures and other momentos is the little jewelry box. The simple diamond solitaire winks at me in the light, and I put it in my pocket.  
  
Walking back into the living room, I turn on the stereo, finally feeling a small sense of peace, knowing that I have something of a plan. That song is coming over the radio again . . .   
  
"Babe, tomorrow's so far away  
There's something I just have to say   
I don't think I can hide what I'm feelin' inside  
Another day, knowin' I love you  
And I, I'm getting too close again  
I don't want to see it end  
If I tell you tonight will you turn out the light   
And walk away knowin' I love you?   
  
I'm gonna take you by surprise and make you realize,  
Amanda  
I'm gonna tell you right away, I can't wait another day,  
Amanda  
I'm gonna say it like a man and make you understand  
Amanda  
I love you"  
  
The next time I see her, I'm going to tell her. I have to, or I'll go crazy.  
  
"And I feel like today's the day  
I'm lookin' for the words to say  
Do you wanna be free, are you ready for me  
To feel this way  
I don't wanna lose you  
So, it may be too soon, I know  
The feeling takes so long to grow  
If I tell you today will you turn me away   
And let me go?   
I don't wanna lose you   
  
I'm gonna take you by surprise and make you realize,  
Amanda  
I'm gonna tell you right away, I can't wait another day,  
Amanda  
I'm gonna say it like a man and make you understand  
Amanda  
  
You and I  
I know that we can't wait  
And I swear, I swear it's not a lie girl  
Tomorrow may be too late  
You, you and I girl  
We can share a life together  
It's now or never  
And tomorrow may be too late  
  
And, feelin' the way I do  
I don't wanna wait my whole life through  
To say I'm in love with you" 


End file.
